Marlon: "I mean, I'm just not sure."
Winifred: "Okay, but I want you to talk it through with me first."
Marlon: "It's-"
Winifred: "No, you've got it. Just talk it through."
M: "Alright, alright. So here's my first thought. So I'm comparing which one is bigger-"
W: "Mhm, mhm,"
M: "-and you'd think it'd be the circular one, but if you actually compare the areas-"
W: "Nonono, you're already overthinking it, it's-"
M: "I'm not! You told me to talk this out-"
W: "-just the bigger one-"
M: "-and I'm telling you there isn't a bigger one, and it even varies from toilet to toilet, okay? So clearly something else is going on."
Fergus: "What's going on?"
W: "Marlon doesn't know which button is the pee button and which is the poop button."
M: "I've just realized that you don't know either."
W: "Hey! Nobody ever told me, and thanks for outing me in front of Fergus."
F: "Obviously, it's the sun and moon, see? The sun is yellow, so that's piss, and the moon has two Os for poop. Moon poop."
M: "Moon poop."
W: "So you don't know either."
F: "Do you have a better explanation?"
MW: "No!"
W: "No, obviously not. But it's not moon poop."
M: "Moon poop. The butt is the moon, poop is from the butt."
Fergus raises a soda in agreement and exits the area.
W: "I think it's not that. I think that's not it."
There is a moment of silence. Winifred repeats the phrase "moon poop" silently in her mind.
M: "Perhaps the arc is the arc of your pee in the air."
W: "It could just as easily be a long poop. Look how it gets wider in the middle."
M: "Yeah, and I normally don't do round poops."
Another short silence.
M: "Like spherical, they're still rou- I mean, cyli-"
W: "Yeah. Got it. Yep."
Another, longer silence.
W: "Have you thought about it like they're both the moon?"
M: "No, but I'll hear you out."
W: "Well, the moon is sometimes a circle and-"
M: "I didn't mean I didn't know how the moon works, I just hadn't thought about how it connects to piss and shit."
W: "Yeah, I don't have that bit yet."
Fergus wanders back in, grabs his car keys, and leaves again.
M: "What's the point of this anyway?"
F: "If you do the big flush on number one, you get flushed to hell when you die. I'll see you tonight!"
MW: "See ya."
Fergus has left the apartment. Silence returns.
W: "Why don't we do an experiment?"
M: "Won't that be a huge waste of water?"
W: "No - the initial cost of water will be offset by us using the correct button for the rest of our lives."
M: "I personally plan to never use the bathroom again."
W: "If we're talking sustainability, that sounds like an unsustainable practice."
Marlon flushes the toilet.
W: "I was gonna say we could wait until one of us has t-"
M: "Sh!"
The toilet finishes its flush, and the tank starts filling back up. A few moments go by.
W: "Okay, so that was the round button?"
M: "No, the moo- the arc. The arc."
W: "Okay."
Eventually, the tank fills up. Marlon reaches out and pushes the arc. There is the customary sound of rushing water, then the tank starts to refill.
M: "I can't tell which was louder."
W: "Actually, we should probably go based on how long it takes for the tank to fill back up."
In a little bit, the tank finishes refilling.
M: "Yeah, I don't know if that was... Was that shorter?"
W: "Shit, I'm late. We'll come back to this, okay?"
M: "Yeah, sure. Do you want me to wait, or time it without you?"
W: "Uhhhh..."
Winifred is tying her shoes, and has picked up a bag and started carrying it in her mouth while sporadically hopping away.
M: "Right."
W: "Bye!"
The door slams, and Marlon is left staring at the toilet.
M: "Moon poop."